Missing Grandpa a Year Later

It is hard to believe that it's been a year since my grandpa died. In some ways, I don't even like to believe that it's true at all and in others it feels like his being gone is now a part of our lives.

February proved to be a tough month. It was the anniversary of his getting sick, Valentine's Day which would have been their 62nd anniversary, and then the anniversary of his passing on the 26th. My policy: avoid it all.

Valentine's day used to be a wonderful celebration for me. I always loved it, regardless of my dating status, because it was my grandparents' day. Their love was such a fantastic love story that felt like an endless Hallmark movie. Their love for each other spilled out to all of us. We always got gifts on Valentine's day from Grandma and Grandpa. This year, we didn't celebrate. I didn't even buy them for my students.

I was sure that last Friday would be a tough day for me, but it wasn't. I didn't cry, I thought of Grandpa often, but it was with fondness and pleasure in my memories of him. I felt that I was beginning to accept the reality of him being gone and I was finally able to think back in joy.

Today I was caught off guard. I'm reading a cute book to my first period class about Jr. High kids. I was reading a chapter today that was not particularly sentimental or dramatic, but just involved a boy going on a walk with his grandpa and hearing some of his stories. As I read the line, "and boy could my grandpa talk!" I got choked up. I started to cry and could barely get out the words. I really miss my grandpa's stories.

Sometimes when I would be cornered by my grandpa and he'd be telling me a story, I'd tell myself, "He won't always be here to say this. Take the time to listen!" And I would do it. I would listen and soak it in and savor it. How much I would love to just hear one more. To have him grab my arms and tell me something.

The other day I wore a dress that I knew he liked and I could just hear his compliment to me. He would always grab my arms and look at me and say, "That's a beautiful dress." It's impossible to feel ugly when an artist compliments you like that.

I can't even imagine what it must be like for Grandma. I've decided that she's going to be sad forever until she's with him again and that's ok. I'm going to try to give her glimmers of happiness, but when you've been cherished by a man like John Reimer for over 61 years, it seems pretty nearly impossible to try to live joyfully without him.

I am so thankful for my Grandpa and the time that I was able to have with him. I am thankful that I knew him so well and that I was able to be loved by him and love him. I miss him so much, but I am starting to remember him with joy. I sure did love him and I sure do miss him.