Words Matter

It may surprise you, but I love to talk. I know, I can hear the collective gasp of shock. I think God has a good laugh at me when I lose my voice completely. I love to speak and sing and make noise, even when no one is around to hear it. I love to read and write words. My love language is words of affirmation. I love words.

And yet, there are times when I seem to forget the power of words. I speak to people all day long. It's my job to do so. I have 200 young minds that listen to me, in varying degrees, for 43 minutes a day. Sometimes I say things in frustration to my students that I cannot believe have come out of my mouth. I say things that I would never say to an adult. Sarcasm comes spewing forth and I feel better for an instant, but I wonder if I've hurt their feelings. Yesterday I had a lunch party in my room for one period because they won a competition for raising money for cancer research. The kids did an amazing job of cleaning up, but the smell of Italian food filled the class. The two classes after lunch noticed and complained again and again. Finally, at the beginning of sixth period, I opened with, "Yes, it smells like food in here because my first period class had a party at lunch. I am sorry it smells like onions." The kids responded by shouting out simultaneously about what else it smelled like - 15 or so comments at the same time. I shouted back, "Thank you! It's not like I live in this room and have been smelling this stench for hours. I don't need you to describe every smell!" My face was turning red and they were surprised to illicit such a violent response of sarcasm. They got over pretty fast, but I certainly was mad over something pretty small.

I get used to the idea that maybe my words don't really matter. I think I can say hurtful things and they'll let it pass or I can say encouragement and it just flows past their preteen ears without making any difference. Some students respond to a discussion with me as if they had ear buds in their ears with music blaring. They smile and nod (or frown and nod) at all the appropriate places and wait for the lecture to be over.

But words are more powerful than that. I should know. I have remembered words teachers said to me ages ago. I have remembered good and bad things people have said in passing to me. Authority figures especially make a mark on my memory. (My favorite is when a teacher wanted a definition for effervescent and someone in class responded, "Brenda") I have post-it notes of encouragement that I sometimes give to my students. They say things like, "You can be proud of yourself for ..." or "I noticed something special about you today. It was..." or "You have no idea how much you helped me when..." I fill them out and just stick them to a kid's desk. I know for some kids, this is a special thing. For some I assume it means nothing...but I am wrong.

Yesterday, I was talking with a student who is really smart, but doesn't always do his work. His effort (and eventually his grade) fluctuates up and down depending on his mood. He had done nothing in class on his project that day. When I asked him during class, he said he was working on it at home. I told him that he had to do at least one part today. I checked on him at the end of class and he had not met the goal I had set for him. He had nothing. He then confessed that he had lost the paper explaining the project and didn't know what to do. He opened his notebook to show me the one part he did have and I saw a purple sticky note that said, "You can feel proud of yourself for working so much harder in math class." I gave that note to him in third quarter. He had saved it in his notebook.

On the surface this kid seems unfazed by me or my teaching. He seems too cool for school. He knows all the answers and can choose to participate or not, it doesn't matter. And yet he kept my note. He wasn't going to show it, but my words affect him.

I need to be so careful with what I say. I have the power to motivate and bring down 2oo times over every day. In my frustrations I need to be an example to my kids of what's appropriate. I need to use words that lift up, even in discipline. What a responsibility! I need to never take it lightly.

Let me end with an anecdote from one of my classes during a discussion about Einstein:
Kid 1: Wasn't it true that Einstein was only good at one thing?
Me: No, he was good at a lot of things.
Kid 1: That doesn't make me feel better about myself.
Me: But did you know that one of Einstein's teachers said that he would never amount to much?
Class in a bored, drone tone: Yes
Me: Ahh, the power of a discouraging word to motivate someone to great heights.
Kid 1: Man, now we'll never amount to anything, Miss D.
Me: Why not?
Kid 1: You encourage us too much!

I Demand Justice - If it's not too much of a bother

It's a strange thing about me. I am a bold person. I don't get embarrassed about dancing, speaking, singing in public. I don't mind looking ridiculous, asking questions, or helping others even if it's unwanted. But I am also an extremely meek person when it comes to confrontation. I want to be liked, I want to be loved, in fact, by everyone. I'm not talking just my parents and friends or even my students and colleagues. I want to be loved by strangers.

This is a burdensome and frankly stupid way to live, but it is something I cling to. This makes talking with people on the phone and demanding a problem to be solved probably one of the most difficult things for me to do.

My credit card was stolen a few months back. I was told by the company not to pay my credit card bill under any circumstances until they told me that the situation was cleared. They canceled my old card and issued a new one. I filed a police report and filled out all of the necessary paperwork for my card. No one called me. I waited and waited and called them several times.
Credit man: It may take weeks to clear this up
Me: But may I pay my card yet?
Credit man: NOOOO! NEVER PAY IT until we say so.
Me: Really? I hate having a balance, what about late fees?
Credit man: all late fees will be covered by the company. Just wait for us.

One month went by with similar interactions. I didn't use my card or pay it off (even though it killed me to have a balance). I also get these cards to buy clothes at my favorite store. It's the reason I use my credit card. I earn cash to spend at my store by charging my monthly expenses and paying it all off each month so I have no interest. Well, I had $60 to spend and they all expired before my card stuff was cleared up. They wouldn't let me use them without my card and I wasn't going to use it until it was cleared up.

Finally I got a bill in the mail saying I owed the credit card money. I received zero phone calls from the company telling me my progress. I called them and asked if I should pay it.
Credit man: Of course!
Me: But you said you'd call me and tell me I was supposed to pay it.
Credit man: You should pay this.
Me: Have all of the fraudulent charges been cleared?
Credit man: Yes.
Me: What about late fees.
Credit man: (with frustration) Of course we covered those.

I wrote a check covering the entire balance and breathed a sigh of relief that I could now have a zero balance...until I checked this month's statement. They apparently left off a thousand dollars from my payment check even though I wrote it for the full balance. They charged me a late fee and interest for the following month. I'm a math teacher...I know the pains of credit card interest and I make special care to not pay any extra. I want to work the system for my benefit. I was so mad.

So I called the credit card company and explained what happened.
Credit Lady: I'm so sorry. I see right here the clerical error. Just write us a check for the remaining balance and it will ok.
Me: But I want the interest removed.
Credit Lady: Of course.
Me: And I was promised that I wouldn't have to pay a late fee.
Credit Lady: I will remove that too.

Suddenly I felt empowered. I could simply ask for what I wanted and it was given to me. Is this how bold people feel all the time. I thought I should just go for it and ask about the $60 I had lost in the process.

Me: What about the $60
Credit Lady: Oh, I'm afraid I can't do anything about that.
Me: But I was unable to use the card points until this was all cleared up and they expired in the interim.
Credit Lady: I'm not able to do anything about that.

I could feel myself folding. I didn't want to be rude. What right had I to demand anything. I should just be thankful for what I had accomplished and hang up. But then I did something that shocked even me.

Me: Could your supervisor authorize that?
Credit Lady: Yes, let me transfer you.

Oh, yeah. I asked to speak with a supervisor and I got it all arranged. It's going to take another 8 weeks, but I'm going to get my money back! So in all, I saved myself $120 by being bold and assertive. I think that's all I have left in me for the year though, so it better not happen again. Baby steps...baby steps.