Frustrated Poetry

        I was at a really difficult meeting today that I struggled with. During one portion of the meeting (when my blood sugar was at its lowest) I was staring at the floor which led me to stare at the pant leg of the guy sitting next to me and noticed that he had a paperclip at the bottom hem of his pants. Why? It wasn't holding the hem together, it wasn't doing anything. I was transfixed by this paperclip and started saying in my head, "paperclip, paperclip, paperclips" and then "clipper ships, clipper ships, clipper ships" and then I wrote a poem:

                       Paper clips and clipper ships
                       floating in my head

       This is a sign of bad things ahead. I know that when I feel the poetry start to flow, the meeting has been too long and I need to step outside, call my mommy, or get some food.

    Later, after lunch, a man in my group was talking and talking and I couldn't make my brain listen to him. I tried to take in what he was saying and repeat it back in my head, but I just couldn't do it. All I could think about was how slow the time was going and how I really wanted to be done and how torturous this was beginning to feel.

                            slow, tortured time ticking by

      I don't do well at 7 hour meetings, no matter how well planned they may be. I cannot be expected to sit still for that long! No one as hyper as I am should be expected to sit that long...I have such sympathy for my students! Wow, I seriously just considered that this must be what school is like for so many of my students. Maybe I should start wearing paperclips on my pants to at least inspire some poetry.

Beautiful

        My girls' group is going through an awesome book called, "Lies Young Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free." We have talked about lies the book has identified and they were spot on. This week we talked about our own temptations and sins and discussed what lies we were listening to and what Biblical truths we found to counter that. One lie we all identified with was about self-image. We were all drawn in different ways to nearly obsess over our looks, whether it be physical strength and fitness, eating issues, agonizing over how we appear or dress, comparing ourselves to others and the list goes on.
          I was struck this week about how much we analyze and criticize every detail of our own looks and how much grace we give to those we love. Love makes someone beautiful. My mother and I look alike, I mean, a lot alike. There are often times I will see a picture of her when she was my age and think it is me. Except for the fact that she has luscious, voluminous, dark hair, we are the same. When I look at myself, I see all of my flaws. I grimace at imperfections, imagined or real, that would make other people laugh because they are so ludicrous. Some imperfections are more vivid and even pointed out by others. And depending on my emotional state at the time, these imperfections can become a glaring and sometimes even debilitating stumbling block.
         So last Saturday, we were looking at old films from the 70's of my family. And there on the screen is my beautiful mother. As soon as she showed up, I gasped and said, "Oh, Mama, you are beautiful!"
          Do you see? My love for my mother causes me to look at her and completely cover over any imperfections I may have seen in myself. All I can see is this amazing woman who offered me security, love, comfort, kindness, encouragement, discipline. This woman who taught me to love the things I love and be the woman I am. This woman who survived cancer and still took the time to make me a birthday cake between rounds of chemo, because she knew it was important to me. This woman who thinks I am smart and clever and kind and encourages me to do the things I do. So when I looked at this film of this young woman, I saw her through my love for her and she was beautiful. So how can I look at myself and see flaws and look at this near twin of myself and see beauty? Because of love. When I look through the eyes of love, beauty is more easily found.
        Proverbs 31 famously says, "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." and 1Peter 3: 3,4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 
       Now, if you know me, you know that I do like clothes and I practiced my Katniss braid for hours until it was perfected. So I don't choose to believe these verses are telling me I have to get rid of my closet of clothes and stop trying to figure out how to style my hair. What I think these verses say to me, is that my focus in my beauty regimen should be developing my relationship with the Lord and working on making my inner self beautiful. That is what is lasting, that is how the people who love me will see me. When lies about my looks assault me, I will fight with these truths. I will battle daily to believe these truths and not buy into the lies the media feeds me and I feed myself.
          I will end with a quote from my favorite song from my favorite rap theologian, LeCrae :"In Christ she is loved, she's secure and accepted. Never be rejected by God who's elected her. Her beauty is her godliness and she ain't gotta flaunt it 'cause it's obvious. Identity is found in the God we trust and any other identity will self destruct."