Joy is tapping my shoulder

So it may be hard for any of you to tell, but I've been down for a while. Like a couple months. It's been a tough half a year for my family in many ways and it's been a tough half year for many of my friends. I am a total empathetic person, so I share other people's pain. But last night was a turning point for me of sorts. I went outside late last night with a blanket and no shoes and I laid out under a tree in the grass. I closed my eyes and let the breeze blow over me and I let myself just be. I tried to quiet all of the dissenting voices in my head that try to plan and worry and I tried to just be still and know.

I was brought back to when I was a little girl and I was so full of joy, it almost felt like I would burst from it. It bothered me as a child that I couldn't hug God. I love hugs and especially bear hugs from the strong men in my life, so it seemed sad that God and I couldn't hug. I used to pray that God would hug my heart, since that's where He lives and I could feel God hugging my heart and I would smile with joy. So last night as I lay on that warm blanket on the soft grass and I felt that soothing breeze roll over my bare toes, I felt like that little girl. I prayed that God would help me feel that He was near and the breeze blew even stronger and I prayed that God would hug my heart and He did.

I cried, but they were good tears. There was my God, patiently loving me. There He was as always and there He will always be. No wonder I was so joyful as a little girl, I felt this close to God every day! So now, as an adult, I want to recapture that spirit. So here is my list of resolutions (little shout out to Jonathan Edwards and my dad) that will help me be joyful in all circumstances.

1) Resolved: I will take a moment every day to be still before the Lord. To be Mary and not Martha. To not try to solve all my problems and all of the problems of the world, but just to enjoy His presence.

2) Resolved: I will remember my blessings and count them and be thankful for them.

3) Resolved: I will not be the pouting princess crying for more. I will pray that God will make me more than content, but joyful in His will.

4) Resolved: I will do at least one thing every day that is productive or worthy.

5) Resolved: I will try to spread joy to those around me. I will do this by my words and deeds. I will choose words that uplift and instruct and not words that criticize or bring down. I will avoid gossip in all forms. I will find something good in everyone.

So there it is. And as I am sometimes brought low by the things in this world that are hard or sad or maddening, I will try to remember that I have no power or control over any of that. And that the God who does, loves me as He did when I was a little girl. His love has never changed for me. To Him I am still that bubble of joy bursting to share this joy with others.

Eleven

That's the number of misquito bites I currently have and I'm not even in Uganda. I'm writing this from Chinook, MT in Laura's kitchen. We've traveled almost 1,500 miles to hang out with Laura and her family and we're having a great time. We've been driving almost non-stop and some of the kids are doing great. Natalie (the youngest) is the only child I know who hates the car from the beginning. She screams. I'm traveling in the other vehicle ...he he. We've gone to Glacier National Park and seen the Kellam Ranch here in Chinook. I am in awe.
I've always thought of myself as a girl who could be both the city and country girl. I'm not afraid of dirt or animals (except the ones you should be afraid of). I don't mind working hard or being outside. This week I've discovered that living in the country would be harder than I would think. I do love the idea of knowing your neighbors and small town community. I love the houses and the house prices (Laura paid 1/5 of what I did for twice the square footage and a yard). I love being so close to the beauty of nature. I even love the simplicity and mellowness.
I was overwhelmed by the vastness of the space. It's truly "Big Sky" country here. Two days ago we saw the Kellam Ranch and I looked at all of the space and the grass and the cows and the hay and I thought, "I'd never know where to begin."
Yesterday we drove from Glacier to Chinook, which takes about 6 hours. Most of that was just nature and a two lane road called "the 2" (4 for the 2). I almost got a clausterphobic feel from all of the openness. I was actually longing for some enclosed city scape. How strange. But then it started raining and I saw a full rainbow - from beginning to end a complete arc. It was so beautiful. Then it doubled. After that, the full moon rose over the Bear Paw mountain range and glowed a bright orange against the deep blue sky. The sun was setting on the opposite horizon and purple and orange traced the cumulus clouds. I think I've said the word 'beautiful' more times in that day than any other day of my life.
I think it's like how I view God sometimes. At times I think that I know God and I love to be in His presence. I get pretty comfortable with Him and I forget just how big He is. But when I'm surrounded by something that reminds me of His vastness, His Glory, His power - I get a proper sense of dread. I think it's what I should feel when I think of the fear of God. But it's also bookended by an amazing picture of His grace, His love, His creativity. It's His greatness and dreadfulness that make the amazing things of beauty possible.
Well, tomorrow we're off to Yellowstone. This also means that I will be leaving Laura behind. I miss having her around, just a phone call and a quick drive away. I miss sitting on her red couch and watching stupid movies together. But I see more and more each time I visit here, why she had to come home and why she will never move back. This is where she belongs and I'm glad to have such a beautiful place that this city girl can visit so she can remember her country girl roots.