My Life as an ASMR Reel

    We've been watching a bunch of youtube videos that have some common threads. They usually involve someone with some skill, set in a beautiful setting, completing some sort of satisfying task. The videos have very little to no talking and sometimes have a peaceful, nondescript music playing in the background. The sounds of the tasks being completed are often highlighted. This aspect is called ASMR. 

 I love these videos. They are very peaceful to me. I like watching some woman cutting flowers in her wildflower garden and then arranging them while her bread bakes. Or Kyle decides to build another cabin on his property so I watch him fell trees and strip them of bark. I love the grandma from Moldova who makes strawberry jam while her pet crow watches. Our new channel is this guy who travels the world silent solo hiking in the most beautiful places. His videography is stunning. The way he shows his coffee brewing deserves an Oscar. 

  I knew I loved these videos, but why? What was it about all of these things that made me feel both peaceful but also a little sad that my life wasn't like that? All these people were doing was filming and editing the normal parts of their lives. They looked peaceful because they didn't rush. The task was the point - not getting it done quickly to get to the next task, but savoring the task as it was happening. Kyle's wife wasn't even making that special of a sandwich. I mean, she made the bread for it, but she was just having Oscar Meyer sandwich meat and serving it on paper plates. But watching her wash the lettuce and slice the tomatoes was so relaxing. It was only so because she was taking her time, as if making a sandwich was the only thing she had to do today.

So Saturday I decided that my life should be like that. I didn't rush around fitting in 3 tasks at the same time, I just set about doing the next task of my day - one task at a time. It was beautiful. I told myself to pretend I was being recorded unloading the dishwasher. I pictured the macro shot of the smoothie cup as I removed it from the top rack, the sound of it slightly ringing as it hit the tines it was resting in. Once the dishes were done, I took a satisfied breath and centered myself in the completion of a task. I then focused on making lunches for everyone. Boy, I was so good at this, I could start my own channel!

Then both boys came into the kitchen begging for snacks. I reframed my response into an ASMR delightful, playful laugh. "I'm making lunch right now, just wait, please." But my boys were not aware that they were a part of my imaginary ASMR video. So they continued to beg. Oliver tugged at my arm every two seconds and Henry begged me for a different snack, "can I have an apple? How about a squeezy pack? Some other kind of growing food?" The answer was still no, but in a very ASMR way...I think. Then, as Oliver pulled my arm and started sagging to the ground as he melted in a tantrum, I supported his head and had him breathe with me to regulate his body (and mine). Are we doing ASMR still? I thought. Is this peaceful?

 I then transferred the laundry to the dryer. I slowly moved the clothes one piece at a time, as if I had all the time in the world. And you know what? It didn't take much longer than if I had hurried, grabbing a huge clump of clothes and slinging them into the dryer, quickly spinning the knob and hitting start, and I didn't feel as much stress about doing it. 

 When completing my chores, I walked with slow intention, I took care, I forced myself to not try to find the fastest and most efficient way to do it and I just did it. 

 All day the battle for peace continued. I kept picturing the camera zooming in on my task, the slomo shot of me staring out the window, drinking a warm beverage and just soaking in the beauty of life...ignoring the chaos around me. I wanted to multi-task and attack the chores like a mad woman, but I told myself, "One task at a time. Be present. Enjoy the work. Pretend you're watching someone else do it on a video."

 In the evening I was changing Oliver for bedtime and he started running away from me. I caught up to him in the hallway and he joyfully stood there while I removed all of his clothes. He was laughing with me and I pictured the camera shots of our smiling faces and the peaceful music that would play in the background. Then he proceeded to pee, like all the pee. Like peeing everything he's ever had to drink in his life. And as I tried to catch it with anything I could, it got in my hair, all over my shirt, and all the way down to my shoes. It seems like everything I grabbed to stop it couldn't hold it, so pee was all over the floor, all over his clothes, all over his pajamas, all over me. Nathan was watching in horror, unable to get past me to get towels as I was blocking the way. I finally just put both me and Oliver in the shower and started rinsing. Nathan cleaned up the floor and I cleaned up the two of us. "Am I still doing ASMR?" I shouted as he cloroxed our pee soaked footprints to the tub. "This is so peaceful!" he laughed in response. 

  So my unedited life is mostly chaos, but I did realize that I can add a little ASMR in my life. I can try to be present in the task at hand and focus on getting one thing done at a time. I can savor things slowly. I can stare out the window and take time to drink a cup of coffee in the morning. I can worry less about getting things checked off my list and care more about taking time. I can savor and be present and be still - until I can't, but when I can I should and I'm trying to. 

Math Like Jazz

     There is a lot of hoopla out there about common core and for the most part, I ignore what people have to say. I doubt that most people who write something on Facebook for or against common core have actually analyzed the standards or the reasoning behind any of them. Now, I am no expert, but I have been to hours of training, I've studied the standards for math, and I am on the pilot team for common core math at work. I thought I might write a little bit about common core so that those of you who care can get some inside information.

      First of all, I am not a piano player. Anyone who actually plays piano would testify to this. I know how to play piano just like I play every other instrument I play - just enough to know how little I actually know. I love the piano and I wanted to learn how to play. I had two goals: I wanted to play the first movement of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" and I wanted to be able play jazz style piano. I already knew how to read music and which notes corresponded to which keys on the piano. I practiced the first movement of moonlight sonata like crazy. I played it every day. I had a piano teacher critique it and help me through the parts I didn't understand. I listened to it over an over again. Now, I can play the first movement. I can play it well enough to convince someone that I might actually be able to play a little. 

    So the first task was complete, on to Jazz. I had a lesson with a really great jazz piano player I know. I sat down with him and he had me play a C chord, which I did...and that was the first and last part of the lesson I actually understood. He went on to talk about circles of fifths and how one scale can be changed to another and transposing and all sorts of things that were so natural to him and he assumed would be natural to me. So I postponed my jazz instruction because I now know what it takes to play jazz. I know that if I want to riff and run as if I'm playing from my heart, I have to have the strongest of foundations in music theory and piano practice. 

     I can't yet play jazz, but I can play math. Math is not some mystery to me, it is not magic. It is an interaction of numbers that have distinct relationships with each other. The relationships between numbers are well known to me. I know them like I know the relationships between characters on "Gilmore Girls". For example, if you asked me, "What is 30 - 12?" I might simplify it in many different ways. I could write the numbers on top of each other and subtract by borrowing. I might also see the 2 becomes 10 by adding 8 and 8 and 12 make 20 and 20 and 10 make 30 so 8 and 10 are 18. I might also picture a number line and break that number line up into jumps of 5's and see that 12 needs 3 to be 15 and 15 needs 15 more to be 30 so 3 and 15 are 18. You may think that these other methods are time consuming and tedious, but they actually make it tons easier for me to do subtraction in my head. While others need to write down 30-12 and then cross out the 3, make it a 2 and add a 1 next to the 0 and then start subtracting, I would much rather add my way to 30. I find that I actually add to solve most of my subtraction problems. 

      Here's the deal. It doesn't matter which way you get the answer as long as it's right, but because I know the ins and outs of number relationships, I am able to choose the path that works the best for me. I get the numbers. I know what I'm doing no matter what method I'm using. I play math like a jazz musician, letting my heart express itself freely because I have the foundations of understanding how the mathematical musical structure works. 

       We are a  society that loves shortcuts. We want the fastest solutions, the shortest way. We want to know the answer. We are an answer driven educational society as opposed to a process driven society. We learn algorithms (a set of steps that lead to a solution) without knowing anything about why we are doing it. Some of you may remember how to change a mixed number into an improper fraction. Some of you may just barely remember what those words mean. Most of you have no idea why you multiply the denominator with the whole number, add that product with the numerator and then write a new fraction with that sum over the same denominator. And because most of  you don't know why you do that, most people forget some or all of the steps or mix them up or have a vague sense of familiarity with that process and think, "Can't I just make them all decimals and let my calculator do it?" My answer is, "No." Asking a math teacher that question is like saying to a literature professor, "Can't I just watch the movie instead of reading the book?" Memorizing algorithms is actually really hard. Memorizing algorithms when you don't even know why you are doing it is like trying to memorize the words to poem you don't understand in a language you don't speak. It's incredibly difficult to do.

       We have taught our students the shortcuts but not the math. They have little to no number sense. About half of my students last year, when given the problem of 15.25 - 1 actually would consistently get 15.24 and not 14.25 because they followed the subtraction algorithm: write the numbers on top of each other and subtract. There wasn't a picture in their heads about how much 15.25 is and how much 1 is. There was no connection to money or measurements or any other practical application. There was an incorrect application of the algorithm. Because the algorithm meant nothing to them, they had no concept of whether their answers were right or wrong.

        Common Core math is an effort to force our students to take the long way. To force them to see and explain why they are doing something. This means that students will often be expected to write out a long procedure that we, as well trained adults, know a super quick shortcut for. That shortcut will eventually be taught and the students will add that to a set of tools they have a firmer understanding of, but in the meantime, they need to learn the why's and how's. It is painful to teach a child that in order to add 5 and 6 they need to draw a number line and draw 5 jumps of 1 and then 6 jumps of 1 and then count the jumps and find that it is 11. But the reward is that when I ask the same child to add 5 and -6, he or she can draw 5 jumps of 1 in the positive direction, jump 6 jumps backwards and land at -1 and really trust that that is the answer without trying to remember which rule it is. Trust me. I have taught the lowest performing students in my school using a similar method for the past 5 or so years and it is amazing what they can do. They know what 3/4 looks like and can compare it to other numbers. They can add numbers with decimals and not mix up place value. It is the long way, but it is the way that will keep math understanding in our students' minds.

        Common Core math is not perfect, neither are the books that present it, nor the teachers that teach it. It takes a lot to train yourself as a teacher to let your students struggle. It is new to us too and we will fail frequently as we attempt new methods of teaching, assessing, grading, and learning. If you have a child in the public school system, you will probably be frustrated frequently with many aspects of the new standards being taught. But here's the thing: If I don't take the time to learn the why, I'll never be able to play jazz and in the long run this is the path that will get us there. 

Waiting

   Last Spring I went to and spoke at a women's conference where the topic was "Trust in the Lord" and before and after that weekend I keep learning about how important that lesson really is. I spoke about how we need to trust God when our hope is deferred. For the past few weeks, I've been taking care of my sick husband. He is not going to die from his illness and he will recover in due time. However, he's been racked with pain, fever, chills, swelling, and the inability to eat even though he's hungry. I've watched him progress from one horrible symptom to a day of getting better and then on to the next horrible symptom. Each day is filled with prayer to God - thanking, praising, and pleading. Each day, we are told to wait for healing.

      I read this morning in Ephesians chapter 3 and when I read the end about how God is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, I went through this thought process:

1) So what's he waiting for?

2) Why isn't he healing Nathan completely and instantly? He could do it!

3) Maybe he's teaching us in this waiting period. Maybe the "immeasurably more" part means he can do more than just heal Nathan by not healing him. So what could that be? What is the immeasurably more part that God is doing? I can't ever really know because God's wisdom is definitely beyond mine and the tapestry he weaves is only revealed in part to me. But I have some ideas...

    I am learning that my husband's character at his core is just what I thought it was when he was well. He is just as kind, just as patient, just as ever selfless and concerned for me as he ever was...maybe even more so. 

   Nathan is learning that I am bossy and a bulldog when it comes to protecting the ones I love. He's learning that he can depend on me to be by his side.

    We are remembering the blessings of begin married. We don't have to do this alone. I can fill out his medical forms while he waits in the waiting room. I can keep track of which meds he's taken when and how soon to his next dose so his tired mind doesn't have to remember. We have larger families and a bigger circle of friends now that lift us up in prayer, bring us food, clean our kitchen, and listen when we need them to.

   Just before all of this, we were having a discussion about God and healing and why he sometimes does and sometimes doesn't and then we started to experience this first hand. I think God is teaching us to rely on him even when we don't get instant healing. We talked about how as teachers, if we just gave our students the answers without letting them struggle, they wouldn't learn as well as when we let them grapple and think. We as teachers are always watching over them and guiding them, but we don't just give the answers immediately. We let them struggle and watch them grow. We thought that maybe this was how God is with us. In our struggles, we learn and grow. God is not distant in these times, he is carefully watching every step, every struggle, tenderly caring that it hurts and feeling our sorrow and pain, but also aware that in this pain we are growing and he can joyfully see the ending and the purpose. He tells us that it will all work out for good. He is in this, even in the pain, he is here with us able to heal, but able to do immeasurably more than that too.

Watching Love Grow

For those of you who know me, I love love. I also love the idea of being married. As a five year old, when asked what I wanted to be, I responded, "A wife and a mother." This was not because of some ingrained lesson my parents taught me about a woman's place or anything. I was given plenty of options for a future career and I did not feel limited as to what I could do. I think it was because my mom was (and is) my hero and greatest role model and she was a wife and mother - what better job could I find? In fact, this same woman asked me as I headed off to kindergarten, why I was excited to start school like my brothers before me. I answered, "I need to go to school to find a husband!"

    So fastforward nearly 30 years later. Thirty years of wishing and dreaming. Thirty years of filling my head with RomComs, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, poetry, and CCRNs (cheesy Christian romance novels). In that time I was careful not to be unrealistic about what marriage was. It wasn't going to be some endless hallmark movie. It wasn't going to be life filled with candlelit dinners and witty repartee (although that could be a part of it). It was going to be filled with normal things and difficult things and the messy parts of life too.

    Then I met Nathan. I loved Nathan more and more as we dated. Eventually it actually hurt for me to say goodbye to him when we were done with a date. He would drop me off at my place and I would cry for a bit and text him immediately and then ask him to call me when he got home and we would talk for another hour until I couldn't stay awake. Wow, that sounds kind of pathetic, but it's actually sweet, trust me. I just loved him so much, I couldn't bear to be away from him. As our wedding neared, I started counting down the goodbyes. "Only thirty more goodbyes and then no more forever."

    So, after all that anticipation, all that dreaming, all that planning and wishing, how do I feel? I feel like all of my dreams and hopes were not even close to how wonderful it would be to be married to the right man. Every day I feel like I love him more. Every day I think, "I'm really married! He's mine forever!" Every day I know that I don't have to say goodbye. Every day I praise God for this gift.
  
   Now school is starting and we will have less time to spend with each other and we'll be apart more and I'll start texting him again, but the best part is that we don't have to try to figure out when we'll see each other next or what place is open for us to hang out past 10 pm. I'll come home to Nathan and he'll come home to me. I feel overwhelmed by love. Who knew I could love him more? But I do, every day. Who knew marriage could be this awesome? Lot's of people, I'm sure, but I'm glad that I get to experience it. I know that there will be difficult times to come, but I also know that Nathan is my faithful friend, devoted husband and that that will never change.

Perfect

    I always had certain ideas of what an ideal proposal would look like: the guy on one knee, no jumbo trons, a quiet place, a beautiful ring and a sweet speech. Nathan only knew that I wanted my dad to be asked and that I didn't want some huge public scene. We had kind of talked around the idea of getting engaged without really saying it out loud. "Someday I would want someone to do this..." or he would ask me what I liked in jewelry and I wasn't sure if he meant jewelry or jewelry.
    Nathan and I started talking about spending Valentine's together and how Friday the 15th would be better for us so we wouldn't have work the next day. I had no suspicions as the day neared until almost two weeks before. Nathan started saying things and being just a little different. I wasn't allowed to look at his phone. He would look at me differently or say things differently and suddenly, I just knew. I wanted to keep it a surprise and not ruin it, but I made sure that my nails looked nice and my makeup was camera ready.
     When Friday rolled around, Nathan showed up at 4 to pick me up. He opened the car door revealing a single red rose on the seat of the car waiting for me. I love flowers and this was so beautiful - a perfect start. As we started driving I found myself getting really nervous. I was excited about the possibility of him asking me and then anxious to think, what if he didn't! Nathan seemed as calm as could be, which only added to my nervousness. He seemed too calm...
      The car arrived at Laguna, a beach where we had had a previous date early on in our dating that can only be described as strangely beautiful. It involved a harpist, several strangers photographing us several different times and at several different locations, and several other groups of people talking to us about love. It was memorable, to say the least. Once we found a parking spot, Nathan pulled out a picnic basket, blanket, and backpack. I had a gift for him and my rose. I wondered where he might have put the ring, but he seemed pretty free about me seeing any of the bags or baskets, so I started to doubt again - had I scrubbed my hands and filed my nails for nothing?
      We walked along the boardwalk toward the sand and settled near the base of the cliffs with the sunset over Nathan's shoulder and a view of cliff-front homes over mine. The wind, which had been roaring all day, stopped and the temperature was in the 70's - a perfect beach day! He set up an amazing spread with a red tray, votive candles, gourmet food he prepared, my favorite cheese, pomegranate seeds, and lots of water (my beverage of choice). After he set up the meal and we prayed over it, I saw him sitting across from me, smiling and calm as could be. I started to doubt if this was the night. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I had him open his present from me (a book filled with pictures of our dates and texts we had sent to each other) and he looked at each page, admiring all of my efforts and responding exactly as I had hoped he would respond.
      I could barely eat, I was so nervous. "When's he going to do it? What's he going to say? What if he doesn't ask me and I feel foolish for being so sure?" As the sun set, the beach suddenly emptied. It was strange, the sky was still a beautiful orange and the sunset was not quite done and a mass exodus of people started. Nathan asked me to stand next to him to watch the final rays flash above the horizon and there we were, alone on the beach.
    He looked down at me and I looked up at him and he said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "I want that too," I barely said while thinking, "this is it!! Memorize every moment!"
    Then he said, "I have your father's blessing," and I started crying. He smiled and said, "I guess there's just one thing left to do," and he got down on one knee, pulled out the ring and said, "Will you marry me?"
    I was sobbing and threw my arms around him and kissed him and then realized I hadn't said anything, "Yes, yes, yes!" and then I hugged him again. He gave me the ring (which was exactly what I want in a ring), opened up a bottle of champagne and brought out a dessert of banana and strawberry slices covered in Godiva chocolate. We spent the next hour and a half just savoring the moment and trying to let the reality of it wash over us: I am going to be Mrs. Landmon! We would grow old together! We were going to plan a wedding! The stars were so bright and the homes on the cliff twinkled with lights. We walked back to the car and one of the restaurants was playing American Standards from the 50's (our favorite music) and Etta James "At Last" started playing. Could any song better match my feelings at that moment?  "At last my love has come along..." and he has.

One Step Closer To Being Sydney Bristo

    To get a full grasp on this story, I must start with a lesson I teach to my students every year about slope. I start by asking my students where they've heard slope before and oftentimes they will respond, "mountains" or "skiing" and that's when I start to tell my stories about how much I hate snow sports. I talk about how I've gone skiing or snowboarding and ended the day broken, crying, cold, and miserable. I tell about how I fell into a gully and had to be rescued, how I fell flat on my face and literally knocked the snot out of me. I tell how it is one of my least favorite things to do.
    Also, to understand this story, you must know that my boyfriend loves skiing. It is his favorite sport. He lived in states with excellent skiing: California, Oregon, Utah. He dreamed of being able to take me skiing with him to share in one of his favorite activities.
   You can imagine how we both felt about the situation. Yet I realized that in all relationships, one must learn to compromise. I had months to prepare myself, to tell myself that I could do it, to convince myself that the fun clothes and promised hot chocolate would be worth it, and that if it made my boyfriend happy, it would make me happy. Months to prepare for the day when enough snow had fallen and winter sports had come.
    Yesterday, the day finally came. I was prepped in my cute clothes and brought a great picnic lunch along and suddenly, I found myself in line for my first ski lift in probably 14 years. The bunny slopes went great. My boy was a great teacher, giving me just enough tips and instructions to be helpful and improve my control of the skis without being too helpful or annoying. I fell twice the first run, but after four trips up, I was ready to move on - beginner runs for me!
     We rode to the top of the beginner run and I was suddenly filled with fear. I'm not afraid of much. I kill spiders and talk to homeless people and speak in front of hundreds at a time and it's no problem for me. I've swum with sharks, jumped of balconies on homemade ziplines, and taken 40 jr. highers to Catalina on a boat. But I was overwhelmed by the fear of falling off the course, falling in the path of other equally bad skiers, getting run down by people, speeding out of control and rolling head over heels until I break something. I knew I needed to calm myself down and gather my courage, so I suggested we look through the lodge at the top of the slope.
     That didn't take as much time as I wanted, but off we went. It actually wasn't too bad. I made it safely down and started to see that I wasn't so horrible. Maybe I could do it again - so I did. I was gaining confidence and feeling like I could get past my fears and actually even get better at this whole skiing thing.
    We decided to try a different beginner run. This run started in the same place as a blue square run (an intermediate run that also had a freestyle section filled with jumps and ramps and rails) but soon after, the runs diverged and we could follow the easy run down. We started down slowly and soon found the signs for the green beginner run - only to find that it was closed! We flagged down a ski patrolman on his snow mobile and asked what we could do. "Take the intermediate run down, I guess." I could feel the tears starting to form and my chest tighten. I eyed the back of his snow mobile - it could easily seat two people. I stared at him with a look that pleaded for him to offer me a ride to the top. I considered just getting on the back without an invitation when he said, "good luck!" and drove off.
    "Ok, babe, you can do it," I heard as I started to tremble. Wonder woman wouldn't cry, but I wasn't feeling much like her today. I just looked ahead at the ramp with snowboarders flying off and then what seemed to be a sheer cliff melting into the skyline. With a few more instructions and some practicing of my stopping techniques, we started down the mountain.
   I ran into one snowboarder, causing us both to fall, but he was so awesome and helped me back up. I fell several other times (a surefire way to stop when I felt like I was going to die), but mostly just slowly went back and forth one piece at a time. The snow was actually more powdery on this less used run and because everyone else was so much better, I didn't really have to be afraid of someone running into me. All I had to do was stand still and let them work around me.
   What was most amazing was my boyfriend. He was so patient and so encouraging. He would ski ahead a bit when the drop would get too steep to see, and let me know which path would be the easiest. He calmed me down and helped me take it one little piece at a time. He helped me navigate away from all of the scary trick parts of the run and told me when the coast was clear so I could start my way down. And even though I was terrified, I actually felt really good knowing how awesome he was to me.
      I about cried with relief when I saw the final steep slope that would lead me to the lodge at the bottom. It only took me an hour to do a run that most people probably finish in thirty minutes, but I had done it and survived.
    I spent the next hour sipping hot chocolate in the lodge by the fire, waiting for my boy as he fit in a few runs without me. I was definitely done for the day, but I was also proud of myself. I faced a fear and finished without peeing my pants or fainting or even being too weepy. I was proud of my boyfriend too. He was an unbelievable helper and literally talked me off a cliff - or at least down one.
  So I may not be wonder woman nor Sydney Bristo, but I feel like I am one step closer. So if I ever find myself chasing a bad guy down a mountain slope on skis, I feel like I won't be helpless - I just better hope and pray that the bad guy goes really slowly.

Oh, Man, I Am a Nerd!

  I admit to being a nerd. I understand and embrace many nerdy things. I have no shame in this because I feel like I balance that nerdiness with good social skills. I can interact with people about all sorts of things that don't involve time travel or fantastical landscapes. But as I stepped back from my conversation with my friends at dinner last night, I realized just how nerdy we all are. Here are some snippets of things my friends and I said:

1) Rick Riordin's next series is coming out and this time it's all about NORSE MYTHOLOGY! I'm so excited!
2) So let's prioritize the rest of our comic con schedule. If you had to choose between the Hobbit panel and Merlin, which would you choose?
3) Oh, man, I messed up my Mobius strip scarf!
4) Oh, I see, I needed to twist it 360 degrees not 180 degrees. Because a 360 degree rotation in the round is like a 180 rotation with paper!
5) All of my favorite YouTubers are just down the street in Anaheim and I can't go see them!
6) You have Lois Lane hair!
7) Which Lois Lane?
8) The best one, Teri Hatcher!
9) Did you get me a VanGogh exploding Tardis Dr. Who shirt for my birthday? Awesome!
10) What'd you get Cathy, a GMAT study book? Oh, you did!
11) Let's practice the math section!
12) I think I need to knit Adam Baldwin a scarf to match the cunning hat and give it to him at the Firefly panel!
13) I'm sure the Dr. Who panel will be on Sunday and the Hobbit will probably be on Saturday, so there are no conflicts.
14) And then the Simon and Schuster panel is that night and I think they might be giving away free SWAG - like maybe even new books!!
15) That would be a good shirt to wear to comic con, except it's not nerdy enough.
16) I have to pick out what books I'm going to bring to comic con...maybe I'll get some e-books from the library to reduce the weight I'm carrying.

So we were at a comic con planning party, which increases the probability of nerdy comments being said, but I am a nerd. I was rooted in nerdiness as a child and that nerdiness was allowed to grow slowly and quietly until it bloomed and became complete in me. I am a nerd.

Frustrated Poetry

        I was at a really difficult meeting today that I struggled with. During one portion of the meeting (when my blood sugar was at its lowest) I was staring at the floor which led me to stare at the pant leg of the guy sitting next to me and noticed that he had a paperclip at the bottom hem of his pants. Why? It wasn't holding the hem together, it wasn't doing anything. I was transfixed by this paperclip and started saying in my head, "paperclip, paperclip, paperclips" and then "clipper ships, clipper ships, clipper ships" and then I wrote a poem:

                       Paper clips and clipper ships
                       floating in my head

       This is a sign of bad things ahead. I know that when I feel the poetry start to flow, the meeting has been too long and I need to step outside, call my mommy, or get some food.

    Later, after lunch, a man in my group was talking and talking and I couldn't make my brain listen to him. I tried to take in what he was saying and repeat it back in my head, but I just couldn't do it. All I could think about was how slow the time was going and how I really wanted to be done and how torturous this was beginning to feel.

                            slow, tortured time ticking by

      I don't do well at 7 hour meetings, no matter how well planned they may be. I cannot be expected to sit still for that long! No one as hyper as I am should be expected to sit that long...I have such sympathy for my students! Wow, I seriously just considered that this must be what school is like for so many of my students. Maybe I should start wearing paperclips on my pants to at least inspire some poetry.

Beautiful

        My girls' group is going through an awesome book called, "Lies Young Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free." We have talked about lies the book has identified and they were spot on. This week we talked about our own temptations and sins and discussed what lies we were listening to and what Biblical truths we found to counter that. One lie we all identified with was about self-image. We were all drawn in different ways to nearly obsess over our looks, whether it be physical strength and fitness, eating issues, agonizing over how we appear or dress, comparing ourselves to others and the list goes on.
          I was struck this week about how much we analyze and criticize every detail of our own looks and how much grace we give to those we love. Love makes someone beautiful. My mother and I look alike, I mean, a lot alike. There are often times I will see a picture of her when she was my age and think it is me. Except for the fact that she has luscious, voluminous, dark hair, we are the same. When I look at myself, I see all of my flaws. I grimace at imperfections, imagined or real, that would make other people laugh because they are so ludicrous. Some imperfections are more vivid and even pointed out by others. And depending on my emotional state at the time, these imperfections can become a glaring and sometimes even debilitating stumbling block.
         So last Saturday, we were looking at old films from the 70's of my family. And there on the screen is my beautiful mother. As soon as she showed up, I gasped and said, "Oh, Mama, you are beautiful!"
          Do you see? My love for my mother causes me to look at her and completely cover over any imperfections I may have seen in myself. All I can see is this amazing woman who offered me security, love, comfort, kindness, encouragement, discipline. This woman who taught me to love the things I love and be the woman I am. This woman who survived cancer and still took the time to make me a birthday cake between rounds of chemo, because she knew it was important to me. This woman who thinks I am smart and clever and kind and encourages me to do the things I do. So when I looked at this film of this young woman, I saw her through my love for her and she was beautiful. So how can I look at myself and see flaws and look at this near twin of myself and see beauty? Because of love. When I look through the eyes of love, beauty is more easily found.
        Proverbs 31 famously says, "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." and 1Peter 3: 3,4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 
       Now, if you know me, you know that I do like clothes and I practiced my Katniss braid for hours until it was perfected. So I don't choose to believe these verses are telling me I have to get rid of my closet of clothes and stop trying to figure out how to style my hair. What I think these verses say to me, is that my focus in my beauty regimen should be developing my relationship with the Lord and working on making my inner self beautiful. That is what is lasting, that is how the people who love me will see me. When lies about my looks assault me, I will fight with these truths. I will battle daily to believe these truths and not buy into the lies the media feeds me and I feed myself.
          I will end with a quote from my favorite song from my favorite rap theologian, LeCrae :"In Christ she is loved, she's secure and accepted. Never be rejected by God who's elected her. Her beauty is her godliness and she ain't gotta flaunt it 'cause it's obvious. Identity is found in the God we trust and any other identity will self destruct."

My Favorite Books (so far)

I have read many books, but only a few have I read more than once. I don't often spend my valuable reading time reading something that won't rack up points or earn a check off my list. So the books on this list made this list for one of three reasons: the book is a classic that sounds impressive to have read and was actually a good read, the book really spoke to me in some life changing way, or I have read the book more than once and enjoyed it each read. The books are listed in no particular order.


1) Anne of Green Gables - I think this book changed my life in so many ways. I had never before read something I could relate to so completely. I mean, I could dream about starting my own baby-sitter's club or read about fourth grade nothings, but I was Anne. It was as if L.M. Montgomery was speaking to my soul saying, "Your oddities are lovely, keep being this strange and wonderful you." I have several copies of this book in two different languages. I have visited several important locations in the book. I have joined clubs connected to it and even created a newsletter containing continuing adventures with my childhood best friend, Kristie. This was also the first book I read that caused me to love reading. I carried it with me even to the dinner table and read the whole series (the first time I had ever done that). You could say that this was the book which started my bibliophilia in the first place.  I still love this book as much as I did twenty years ago when I first read it.

2) Persuasion - my favorite Jane Austen. I could read the part where Captain Wentworth writes the letter again and again...in fact I do...

3) The Blue Castle - this book is also by LM Montgomery. I read it in high school and just adored all of the ridiculous characters. I own an early edition of it which I read out loud to my parents in one sitting as we drove from Petaluma to Garden Grove. I was hoarse the next day, but it was worth it.

4) To Kill a Mockingbird  - I saw the movie first and I know that has altered my perspective on this book. It is my mother's favorite movie and we watch it together every Halloween. Gregory Peck is amazing and as lovely as Atticus Finch himself. I heard once (maybe it's even in the book) that Atticus was, "so far above everyman, that he was above no man." I think that is a wonderful way to live.

5) Les Miserables - Yup, this one is mostly just to brag that I finished this novel, but really, I was so enraptured with this dark and beautiful story. It was such a bold telling of true grace, a juxtaposition of justice vs. mercy. It was an amazing book.

6)  The Count of Monte Cristo - I'm not usually one to love classics. I read them for their importance, but I don't usually devour them. Not so with this one. It is full of action and intrigue and a great lesson on what vengeance can do to a man.

7) The Harry Potter Series - I think that JK Rowling is a genius.

8) The Hunger Games - I read this book in one sitting and I own several copies so I can loan it out to multiple people at once. I have read it twice and will probably read it again (almost unheard of).

9) Ender's Game - a book about genius children...that's all it takes to get my attention. A mind blowing ending...that's all it takes to make me love it and tell others to read it too.

10) The book of Romans - this is probably my favorite book in the Bible. I know a lot of people love it, but it is full of inspiration and encouragement. It explains the need for the gospel and what the good news really is. It tells me that I can never be separated from God's love no matter what I do or what anyone else does. It's a common favorite for a reason.

11) Psalm 103 - I LOVE this Psalm. I love it for its structure, its poetry, and its reassurance of God's love for me despite my sin.

12)Jane Eyre - I love how Jane sticks to her principles even when her happiness and security are at stake. I drudged through this the first time I read it, but I've reread it since then and I love it more each time. Such a good story.

13) Sideways Stories From Wayside School - I have read this book at least 10 times and it is funny each time. With its small chapters and crazy characters, this book is a wonderful read-aloud.

14) Flipped - A story told from two different perspectives, not only do the characters flip in the middle of the book, your perspective on each character flips too. I have never known how beautiful a sycamore tree could be.

15) The Magician's Nephew - This book made this list for one specific scene in which Aslan creates Narnia. It is a poetic interpretation of how it would look and sound at the beginning of a world.

     Well, now that you've seen my list, tell me what books I should have as favorites.

Books I've Been Reading

  So as many of you know, I have an addiction to books. I tried to reduce this addiction by making a contract that I could no longer buy new books until I had read every book in my possession (that was a list of 100 books I had yet to read). I made some exceptions: I could buy books with a gift certificate, I could buy books for my classroom. Using my amazon points, student recommendations, and a library card I have found many ways to circumvent my contract. So here are some books I've read recently and I thought I would share them with you. They are all considered YA (Young Adult) fiction but they vary greatly in appropriate age levels. Some I liked and some I did not, I hope you find something you might enjoy.

Feed by M.T. Anderson
    Setting:  Near Future, Earth
    Premise: The internet is implanted in people's brains and they are constantly plugged in. This book explores what effects this has on language, consumerism, self-awareness, others-awareness, and all relationships.
    Elements which may concern some readers: LOTS of bad language. I thought it was absolutely appropriate for what the author intended, but if you are sensitive to swears then this is too much for you. There is one racy scene that is not gratuitous, but is certainly not PG-13.
    My rating: A-, I loved the author's intent and he cleverly created a world that is not too far off from our current one. I was disappointed that the characters were simply cogs in the machine and not one of them was really a hero against the machine, but it was a device that was useful for the intention of novel. I really liked this book.

Cinder by Marissa Meyer
  Setting: Future, pan-Asia
  Premise: a cinderella story - only she's a cyborg
  Elements which may concern some readers: it was clean and well done
  My rating: A,  I really enjoyed this book. I kept saying, "This is really good!" as I was reading it. It wasn't mind blowing or super deep or even showing me the world in a way I'd never seen. It was clever, well told, and very entertaining. It is part of a series (that is not out yet) and I didn't know that until about 50 pages to the end when things weren't wrapping up. It was a great read and I can't wait to loan it out to others.
 
Delirium by Lauren Oliver
   Setting: Future, America (see a trend in my reading?)
   Premise: Love is viewed as a disease and that disease can be cured at the age of 16 (18? I can't remember). A young girl and her friend struggle with what this cure will mean for them and for their society.
   Elements which may concern some readers: it's a kissing book, there are some profanities
   My rating: C,  I was totally sold on the premise, but the delivery became a little too contrived by the end. I did think about what love means beyond the romantic love we might initially consider. What would the world look like without love? But once I answered that question with, "worse than how the author portrayed it," I was kind of done with her storytelling.  It was ok, not a total waste of time. 

Faking Faith by Josie Bloss
    Setting: Present day, America
    Premise: A young agnostic is alienated by her friends because of a mistake she made, so she seeks solace in the internet. She finds a series of blogs written by devout Christian girls and decides to pretend to be one of them online. She meets her favorite blogger in real life and spends time living with her and experiencing her life first hand.
    Elements which may concern some readers: some profanity, references to inappropriate behavior, stupid writing, a poorly worded and thinly veiled attack against Christians.
     My rating: D-, So at first I'm like, "Wow, the author is fairly representing conservative Christians! I'm so happy," and then I'm like, "Wait, what?" and then I was like, "I'm sorry, but a boy should apologize for kissing you the first time he talks to you while you are just having a conversation and he totally macs out." and then I was like, "Wait, what?" and then I was mad...LaCrae was right - people too often portray Christians as crazy, stupid, sexist, violent deviants. And then I was like, "Oh, so the mom who was totally distant and involved in her job for 16 YEARS, suddenly decides she wants to spend time with her daughter WHOM SHE HASN'T PAID ATTENTION TO FOR 16 YEARS and now is the best mom in the world because she's not a Christian like the mindless mother of her friend and she believes in love and isn't that the most important thing?" And then I found myself saying to anyone nearby, "And then..." and ranting a little more. The characters were poorly developed and frankly, the writing should be offensive to anyone who's ever met me and doesn't think I'm a mindless weakling. I am fine if you want to write a book about things I don't believe in or against things I do. But if you are going to degrade an entire subgroup, please do so intelligently and with at least some plausible character development!

If I Stay by Gayle Forman
  Setting: Present day America
  Premise: A young girl is the sole survivor of a tragic accident. She is in a coma and her consciousness is able to see the world around her. She must decide if she should let go of life or wake up and live a life that is going to be totally different than the one she knew.
  Elements which may concern some readers: I read this awhile ago so I think there was some profanity and some PG-13 racy scenes.
  My rating: B , This book was well written and the story was beautifully developed and revealed. It was really hard to know what she should choose and I was compelled to love her family and those whom she might leave behind. There were many touching scenes that made me cry. The book promotes the importance of family and of other loved ones. The family in this story really likes each other and they do so in a realistic way. Overall, a good book.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
     Setting: Present Day, America and Amsterdam
     Premise: two teens dealing with cancer fall in love and deal with that
     Elements which may concern some readers: profanity and a racy scene dealt with tactfully, cancer
     My rating: A,  This book is beautiful. So I don't want to recommend this book to a lot of people because it is of a style which I don't often read - true literature. I mean that it has a plot and it's well written and it's main purpose is to make the reader think about what it means to love and be human and to die and to make mistakes and to be. This book was beautifully written - page after page of quotables which alternately made me think deeply, cry or laugh. The characters were witty and brilliant and kind and broken and it has one of the most romantic descriptions of the cardinality of numbers and different forms of infinity I have ever read. This is not really teen fiction and there isn't a cyborg in sight, it has nothing to do with dystopia, so this is not my normal read as of late, but this was a beauty.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
     Setting: The Future, America - now a collection of 12 districts and a capitol.
     Premise: To suppress its people and remind them never to rebel again, the capitol requires two tributes every year (children from the ages of 12-18) from each district to come to the capitol and fight in a televised battle to the death. The winner is set for life and his/her district is given food and supplies for a year (that's were the hunger part plays in). This book is about one tribute named Katniss Everdeen.
      Elements which may concern some readers: I guess it's violent. I suppose, for some reason, that doesn't bother me, so I didn't really think it was too violent, but a whole lotta other people think so. I guess if the premise is 24 kids fighting to the death, violence is to be expected. I, however, never found any of the violence to be gratuitous.
      My rating: A ,  I really want to write A+, but I think I have to reserve that for Pride and Prejudice and Harry Potter. If I have not recommended this book to you yet, I'm sorry, let me do so now. READ THIS BOOK. It is part of a three book series (all books are in print now) and it is gripping and moving and insanely awesome for anyone to read. I recommend this book to strangers - even the poor guy at Target who was ringing up my 6th copy I've purchased so I can keep my library at school well stocked. I push this book on any teen in the teen section at Barnes and Noble. This book is just great and you really need to read it before you see the movie - really, please. I read it in one sitting (a trans-Atlantic sitting, but one sitting) and I actually read it again (I don't do that very often with books). This is the best book I've read since the Harry Potter Series ended.

 
    Feel free to let me know if you've read any of these books or if you have any other recommendations for me. I love all kinds of books and if you already have a copy, I can borrow yours and still fit within the confines of my book buying contract.

My New Bike

        So this Christmas my Grandma Reimer gave each of her grandkids a check "to spend on something fun." I debated, do I want furniture for my room, something awesome for my kitchen...I wasn't sure. But then I remembered just how much I loved riding a bike at Google when I visited my brother there. I seriously rode a Google bike for hours and I had the best time.
         My dad took me to a bike shop to look for a simple bike I could take around my new city of Orange.  The store owner was very helpful and gave me a catalog to look through, dog-earing the pages of the bikes I had seen in the store. When I got home, I found the most beautiful bike called "the Amsterdam." I am a sucker for good marketing and this was a doozy. The adorably vintage looking bike had a caption: "You can almost feel the cobblestones beneath your tires of this charming bike." It might as well have said, "Brenda, we know you love history and Europe and romantic images of you in a skirt on a bike with a basket and a bell as you travel to the library or the farmers' market and this is the bike that will take you there while singing to your heart."

      The only problem was, this bike was twice as expensive as the most expensive bike I had been looking at. I always have this debate in my head: do I purchase the thing I want and will use but don't need when I could spend that money on something less selfish or materialistic? I literally dreamed of owning this bike. I could picture myself on no other bike. They all looked too plain or boring or from the wrong era. So after much debate and seeking of wise counsel, I broke down and bought it.
       The bike shop owner put the bike together for me and his wife bought a cute bow for the front. I am definitely going to add some more little whistles and bells, so to speak (it has an adorable bell, but I really would like to get a cute basket), but I adore this bike.

      I now try to ride it every day. I have ridden to the book store, the library, the post office, the farmers' market, a cute little waffle and shake place called Bruxie (many times), Angel stadium, the Honda Ponda, and even to my brother Paul's work. Even though I am a sucker for good marketing, I think this bike was no disappointment. It speaks to my romantic heart and makes it sing.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas Quiz

    The last day of school before Christmas break is typically a difficult day to teach a lesson or give a test. Yet I have trouble letting my kids have a day at school where they do nothing. Mostly this is because if you give 32 adolescents lots of sugar and unstructured time in an enclosed space, tragedy ensues. So I show a movie and not just any movie, but the cartoon version (the only version, in my mind) of Dr. Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". While my kids watch this, I give them a group quiz during which they may shout out answers to each other and use calculators and ask me. I don't grade it and I fess up to that if asked. "I will look at them," I reply. "But will it count toward our grade?" "I will not score it, but I will look at them..." ambiguity is my friend.
    Geometry gets a more difficult version. So test your skills. Cue up the movie and see if you can answer these questions. They are in sequential order and are intended to be answered while watching the movie, not after. Best of luck and Merry Christmas!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas Quiz

1. How many sizes too small was the Grinch’s heart?

2. The Grinch lives in what compass direction from Who-ville?

3. How many servers with trays were inside each other?

4. If each server is half the size of the previous and the first one is 3 feet tall, how tall is the smallest one?

5. How many years has the Grinch “put up with Christmas?”

6.  How long is the pole with which the singer would not touch Mr. Grinch?

7. Explain the physical principal that causes Max to fall forward (hint: it has to do with centroid).

8. What did the Grinch use to pull out the mails holding the stockings above the fireplace?

9. What geometric shape are the Christmas ornaments with which he plays pool?

10. How many kids were in the same bed?

11. What did he take the last can of?

12.  Write an inequality to describe the possible age in months of Cindy Lu Who.

13.  If the smallest size of a crumb that a mouse would eat is 2mm wide, write an inequality to describe the possible sizes of crumbs left by Mr. Grinch.

14.  What three words can be used to describe Mr. Grinch?

15.  How many feet up Mt. Crumpit did he travel?

16.  Use the following diagram to discover the altitude of the tip top of Mt. Crumpit.

	(*There is supposed to be a diagram of a right triangle, the base of which measures 8,000ft*)

 

                     

                           8,000 feet

17.  If the Volume of the Grinch’s heart was 4 cm³ before it grew, what would be the new volume of his heart?

18. What was the equation used to describe the Grinch’s new strength?

19.  If the strength of one Grinch is 3 horse power, what was the new strength of the Grinch?

20.  What are your plans for the winter break?

Questions

I'm a pretty happy person. It takes a lot to rile me up. Here are couple things that make me actually so angry that I'm willing to show that anger and even say something about it:

1) The adult bookstore by my house makes me furious. Mostly because they tore down some ugly building and started building this gorgeous place with flagstones and good landscaping and I thought, "finally, something to make our community more beautiful!" and wouldn't you know, it's a store designed to profit from the sin and weaknesses of others. Ohhh, I hate that building and all that it stands for and I pray that it will go out of business so it can stop assisting people in ruining their lives.

2) I get mad when people go against a member of my family. This rarely happens, but I seriously wanted to find the people who once pulled a gun on my brother (years ago) and chase them down and explain to them the value of life...with my fists. This is probably not the best reaction to have for many reasons, but my anger in this case makes me irrational.

3) I get mad when people think that my faith makes me stupid or that I must be stupid to have faith. There is a billboard up right now that states: "Faith does not have the answers, it impedes questions."

     I get mad at this for two reasons, the first that people are advertising lies about my faith to encourage me to believe in their universalism (or atheism). I am assuming the next part, since I don't really know the beliefs of the creators of this billboard, but I assume they believe in relative truth. Many people believe that truth is relative with respect to each individual. Like I may believe that purple elephants created the world and you may believe that it was actually yellow turtles and that neither of us has a right to declare one to be true over the other. One is true for you and the other is true for me. No truth can be proven absolutely, so there is no absolute truth. This kind of relativistic tolerance is given to everyone as long as everyone subscribes to this relativistic tolerance. I can believe what I believe as long as I agree that my truth might not be the only truth. But that, in itself is a statement of truth. It is an axiom of living. People who believe their is no absolute truth, believe absolutely in a truth that there is no absolute truth.  It's a paradox. Everyone believes in something, even people who believe in nothing, that's a belief. I get mad because these people are trying to convince me to stop believing in my truth and start believing in theirs, by declaring belief to be a stupid thing. It's simply illogical.

The second reason I get mad is that they say that faith impedes questions. I'm assuming they mean that my faith tells me or forces me to squelch my questions and just blindly follow what is put before me as truth. My faith says that I must turn off any inquisitive intellectual devices within me, and just believe. I am less mad about this and more eager to clarify.
   I teach math, a subject which people are quite willing to express their frustrations with, loathing of, and general inability to understand. "I'm just not a math person" "I don't have a math gene" "I was never good at math". Math is not a mystery which only the smartest can unravel (well, some of the crazier stuff, yes, but not algebra). People just haven't seen it expressed in the best way for them to understand it. But because of possibly poor teaching, people assume that all math is too hard for them.
   Faith is like this. There are people who are people of faith who say to people with questions, "You just have to believe, stop asking questions!" I'm sure there are plenty of people who have had questions about the hows, whats, whys, and even some I'm not sures about Christianity and have been told that questioning is wrong. So I see why the billboard may have said what it says, but please don't attribute all faith with the failings of some of its followers. Just as I ask you to not attribute your frustrations with mathematics to math itself, but in the way it was presented to you.
    You see, God created us with intelligent, curious, inquisitive minds and asks us to use them. He created so many things with so many complex mysteries and presents them to us as a puzzle to be solved. But, just like any good teacher, God exposes us to the puzzle, asks us to question and guides us to the truth. I reward my students for asking good questions, and I reward them for answering these questions, but I don't say, "Sure, you can believe that," for any and every answer they give. I tell them they are wrong if they are wrong and to keep trying until they get it right. Sometimes I give them the answers, sometimes I give them the steps and guidelines they must follow to get to the right answer, and sometimes I let them discover the truth for themselves. God is like this with us. Some answers he just plain gives us, some he presents guidelines for, some we must discover on our own, and some we must accept as unknowable mysteries to be revealed later.
   I am sorry for people who feel like faith is for blind, unquestioning followers. I am angry at people who think that I throw aside my logical or scientific brain when I approach scripture and faith. And I really want to tear down that billboard (although I believe in the freedom of speech, and I'm totally against vandalism...)but I hope that I live my life in such a way that people see that intelligence and faith do have a place together. That my creative, wise,logical, intelligent God welcomes my questions and fills me with the answers either in this world or the next.

  So bring on your questions, God welcomes them. The answers I find only make my faith stronger.

Because of Him

If I ever thought I was smart, it's because of him.

If I ever loved the blues, it's because of him.

If I ever realized that ice cream can cure any bad day,  it's because of him.

If I ever thought that I was good at music, or writing, or singing, or acting, or dancing, or any other art I attempted, it's because of him.

If I ever learned the importance of being a good friend,  it's because of him.

If I ever used movie quotes interspersed in my conversations,  it's because of him.

If I ever loved learning, it's because of him.

If I ever wondered how something worked or why something happened, it's because of him.

If I ever loved an old movie, it's because of him.

If I ever thought that I was strong and able, it's because of him.

If I ever read a book to savor the beauty of a well written sentence, it's because of him.

If I ever thought a boy was an idiot,  it's because of him.

If I ever felt so confident that I knew I could do what others could not,  it's because of him.

If I ever loved science fiction,  it's because of him.

If I ever learned how to rebuild an engine, it's because of him.

If I ever loved rap,  it's because of him.

If I ever felt like I was special and important,  it's because of him.

If I ever loved the ocean, it's because of him.

If I ever knew that I had something to offer the world to make it better,  it's because of him.

If I ever saw the importance of family, it's because of him.

If I ever felt like there was no place I could fall where I would not be caught, it's because of him.

If I ever felt safe, it's because of him.

If I ever desired to serve God and seek Him, it's because of him.

If I ever thought that all firemen were brave and strong and kind and handsome, it's because of him.

Happy Birthday to my dear Dad. He somehow was able to make me simultaneously feel like his little girl and empower me to be a strong woman. I could ask for no better father. It's because of him that I am me. Thanks, Daddy.